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The topic of this post is a sensitive one, not only for me but for a lot of people. When I was just 20 years old, I got pregnant with my first child and had to make a tough decision. Do I keep the baby or not? For some people this would be a no-brainier, they would say of course you keep it, but anyone that knows me, knows that I never really wanted children. It was never something I saw for myself. It was a Y in the road and I knew how important it was to make the right decision.
I had just graduated high school a year and a half earlier and was in the process of figuring out what college I wanted to go to and what career I would peruse. So finding out that I was pregnant wasn’t exactly great news to me, I actually freaked out. I remember missing my period and not thinking twice about it because I was never regular. I only started to suspect when I threw up 3 days in a row. I had one of those uh oh! moments lol. I got a pregnancy test and it almost IMMEDIATELY changed to two lines, as if to say you are 100%, no doubt……PREGNANT!! I found out later that I was extremely fertile….hints as to why I ended up with 3 and if you keep reading, you’ll find out why I didn’t end up with 10
I told the father right away and he looked half happy and half terrified. He never once insinuated or suggested that we should abort, it was more like how are we going to do this?! In the back of my mind I was 85% sure I was NOT having this baby, I was going to look into abortion. Looking back, I think I thought if I aborted, it would be like it never happened. At the same time, I thought about what the actual process of aborting would be like and what my family would think, I really didn’t know if I could go through with it. My family is not super religious but everyone is pretty responsible and has their shit together, unlike my mom and I. I always felt like we were the black sheep of the family, my mom was the only one that was divorced and was always moving around. I just thought if my family knew that I got pregnant so young, when I wasn’t married and then had an abortion, they would look at me differently.
I decided to call my mom. This was a hard thing for me to do because…..well if you keep following me, you’ll see that I did not and do not have a very good relationship with her. I didn’t want to call my dad becasue I was pretty sure I already knew what he’d say; abort it. I wanted to get my moms thoughts because I really didn’t know what she would say and I thought maybe she would give me advice instead of just telling me what to do. I remember this call being a huge moment for my mom and I, it was a conversation like no other and I’ll never forget it.
I think the first thing I said was “I have to tell you something and I want you to let me finish talking before you freak out”, like I already knew she would be mad. After I said “I’m pregnant” there was a pause and then she just said “ok”. I’m like “ok” as in “it’s ok that you’re pregnant?” or “ok” like “OHHH K….what the hell did you do?” lol Then I followed that up with “and I’m not sure what to do, I’m thinking about having an abortion”. Another pause. I actually think she started crying but so quietly so that I could not hear her. She just simply said “you can’t do that, you’ll regret it forever”. I don’t really remember all of the detail of the conversation but I remember getting off the phone and realizing that even though this wasn’t planned and never saw myself as a mother, there was no way I could have an abortion. I actually felt a glimmer of excitement….but most terror haha.
The next call was to my dad….now I was even more nervous because I had made a decision to keep the baby and like I said, I was pretty sure he would say to abort it. What was more surprising was my grandmas reaction. When I called my dad, he was at her house having dinner. My dad was pretty disappointing, he didn’t want this to ruin my life and knew that now, I wouldn’t be able to do all the things I had planned. He seemed ok with it though, ok with my decision. My grandma on the other hand….OY! I heard her say to my dad “give me the phone”. The conversation started out ok, kind of like “everything will be ok”, “we will help you”, etc. Then she said
“I’ll pay for the abortion”
Now if this was a few hours ago, I’d probably be happy that this would be taken care of and that I wouldn’t have to pay for it but now I was in shock. Grandmas are supposed to be loving and cuddly and all that good stuff but there was no hesitation. She wanted me to abort and said that loud and clear. When I told her that I planned on keeping it, she started in on me about how big of a mistake this was and that I really should re-consider. I was a little sad that I didn’t have as much support from my immediate family as I would have liked. I totally understood all of their concerns becasue they were my concerns too but that doesn’t mean they couldn’t still supported me .
When I look back at this, 15 years ago and think about this extremely difficult decision that I had to make at such a young age, I’m grateful that I took the time to listen to everyone before making a final decision. It gave me a lot of perspective. I know that if I had gone through with it, my life would be completely different; I would completely different. I so strongly believe that everything happens for a reason and I’m so glad that I didn’t go through with it because I can’t imagine what my life would be like without my son.
Read the last post: The Day My Life Changed